


Ships Ahoy!

by Rosey Writes (ithefantasticfanatic)



Series: Ship's Ahoy [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comedy, Cruise Ships, Fluff, Game Shows, Kyle wants to be voted off but an audience loves a tsundere, Love Boat - Freeform, M/M, Right down the weirdness, very traditionally south park-esque
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 12:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16702567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithefantasticfanatic/pseuds/Rosey%20Writes
Summary: As usual, Cartman made them do it. As usual, it was a terrible idea.As usual, at least it'd be fun to watch.After getting into a fight with Craig's gang on who's group had the most fanfare, Lisa Akimoto, also known as the girl who made Creek happen, had the perfect way to solve it. Have all the South Park boy's join the newest TV sensation, Ship's Ahoy! Where the winning couple will each walk away with four million dollars.Of course, hearing that, Eric wasn't going to let that opportunity slip away. And neither could could any of his friends.





	Ships Ahoy!

Over the span of fourteen years, certain agreements became unspoken law among the four. Kenny isn’t allowed to pick dinner, Stan can’t mention Wendy’s name more than ten times an hour, no one splits the bill if Cartman’s there, Kyle  _ never  _ drives, and, most of all:

Craig must always lose.

Didn’t matter that Cartman had tried to exterminate the jews the day before, Kenny crashed Stan’s car while high, and Kyle maybe kind of accidentally set Kenny’s house on fire proving toilet paper’s flammability; if one of them gets into an argument with Craig, you defend. Period.

“Look at this body? I’d make a much hotter boyfriend than you, gaywad! I’d have  _ way  _ more fangirls.”

“Yeah!” Kyle backed him up, while not listening to the conversation literally at all. “Get ‘im!”

Craig clenched his fists, eyes burning, as Tweek babbled on behind him, a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t even  _ have  _ a relationship, Cartman. Because you’re an abusive piece of shit.”

The circle around them began to  _ oooh,  _ while Cartman clicked his tongue. “What makes you so sure I’m not?”

Jimmy stepped forward. Four on Four. Well, Four on Four plus Tweek but he didn’t count. “Y-y-y-” Long swallow. “Y-yea-yeah! Wha-what makes you s-s-s-s-”  _ Another  _ swallow. “S-so sure?”

Token’s turn now. “I mean, the Yaoi girls  _ did  _ pick them.”

“Because he’s so fat he wouldn’t fit on the-”

“You’re just jealous cause he lost weight so you’re the fatass now, Clyde.” Stan stepped between Clyde and Cartman.

“Mmmph mmmph mph mmph!” Kenny pulled apart the mouth part of his hood. “Nah, he’s sad ‘cause Craig got to stick his dick in someone before he could.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up po-”

“What he said!” Kyle added, helpfully, late, still entirely focused on reading the Hunger Games. He missed it the first time round, alright. “Get ‘im Stan!”

Token scoffed. “Whatever. Doesn’t matter what he  _ says  _ ‘cause he doesn’t  _ have  _ a partner.”

“I don’t, do I?” His voice quipped up. “Kyle, honey. We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“Yeah, of course, sure, Cartman’s right, Stan wins, woop.”

The hallway went silent.

There was one other rule, though this applied to all of South Park. Silence wasn’t good. You didn’t do homework in silence, you played some TV and music, otherwise you were writing to the beat of the screams from the atrocities outside your window. Which was why silence of all things ripped Kyle from his book. “What?”

Craig stared in a mix of shock and disgust. Tweek passed out. Token looked pale. Stan was vomiting. Kenny was collapsed on the floor, laughter muffled by his coat.

“I said,” Cartman purred, in a way more terrifying than any of his slur. “We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“...uh, yeah?” Cause he agreed to kick the shit out of him for running into the middle of Jewbelie shouting ‘attack of the Kike’s’.

“Alright. Come on, babe. It’s clear  _ they  _ can’t handle our awesomeness.”

What the fuck was happening? He was going to voice that opinion, but...he had a feeling that would somehow win Craig his argument.

You know what? He was tired into being dragged kicking an screaming into Cartman’s bad decisions. Time to make headway in them. “Of course,  _ love _ .” He went to his toes, not strictly necessary, but added a nice effect, pecking his cheek. “Go pull up the car, alright? I just need to pick up my math homework.”

Cartman looked like he was going to faint too, a moment, before it seemingly turned into a challenge, as an arm wrapped around his waist. “Don’t bother, sweetheart, I’ll just pick it up on the way. You have Johnson, right?”

“You know me so well.” He nuzzled his nose. “Go, go, I don’t to cause a scene.”

“A little late for that?” Stan said in a voice high pitched enough to break glass.

“You’re so cute.” Cartman ruffled his hair through the hat.

He was smiling, with a hell of a lot less swagger than when he came in, and Craig looked ready to burst a vein. Overall, he’d say this went pretty well.

“You think  _ anyone  _ is buying this fucking-”

“There is a way to prove it!”

“ _ Shit.”  _ The crowd echoed, and god damn it did Kyle want to tell them all to screw off.

Lisa Akimoto. The girl who first started Craig x Tweek. The myth, the legend, the diagnosed asshole stepped into the center, holding up her tablet like a sacrifice. “ _ Ships Ahoy!!” _

“Ships...Ahoy?” Stan finally managed to drag his face out of the garbage.

Hai. Three exclamation points.  _ Ships Aho _ y _!!!  _ They have first American season and are looking for couples.” She swiped her finger, and pictures of a cruise ship played over narration.

“ _ Passion fading? World seem to go black and white when away from your partner? Or just want adventure? Well, you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, pal. Come and join the Ships Ahoy!!! A summerlong cruise for boys in their senior year to find true love, in each other. Compete in fun challenges, meet new people, and, best of all, prizes! The grand prize, going to the audience favorite couple being...Four million dollars!” _

Cartman fell over.

“ _ So sign your town up today! One lucky town in the U.S will be picked. Check our website for more information or called 727-YAOI-LIFE. Repeat, 727-YAOI-LIFE!” _

“...Four million dollars,” Cartman sighed on the floor. “Four. Million. For going on a vacation.”

Craig snorted, an arm around Tweek. “Please. We’re  _ already  _ the fan favorites. We’re so going to win.”

Tweek squeaked. “R-reality TV? That’s way too much pressure!”

“But...I’ll be there.” His arm moved to Tweek’s waist, pulling him into a dip. The air went hazy, pink sparkles glittering around. “My love."

“ _ Eeeeee oh my god Creek is my life I love you Craig oh my god!” _

Kyle looked down to Cartman writhing on the floor, Stan still vomiting in the trash, and Kenny...oh. Kenny’s head got crushed in by the stampede of Creek shippers. Those bastards.

“I’m out.” Kyle turned heel, opening back up his book. As much as he loved the Hunger Games, he had  _ no  _ desire to be in it.

...unless Gale was there. He was kinda hot.


End file.
